a poetic memoir written to a younger me as I leave behind the pain of the past and move forward in freedom.
the land you left
I. Lack of Color (God’s Response)
I used to be a person that lacked color. A girl who never spoke. A girl who was never seen. A chameleon-type demeanor. My colors weren't bright and happy. They were black and gray in every tone and shade. I adapted to my surroundings. I found places to hide in wide open spaces and I slowly dissolved into my surroundings. I was a girl without an identity. A girl who lacked personality. I was alive and I was just there, and I didn't understand why. I lacked purpose. I lacked meaning. I lacked color. "Who was Ashley?" Weren't just my thoughts, no one quite knew. I blended into the walls and silently withdrew.
"But I always saw you and I knew. When you felt alone, I held your hand, even when you didn't feel me near. I watched as you observed, wondering what it would be like to be them. They were all these things I never created you to be. They were them, and I just wanted you to be you. Do you notice how you notice them? The ones like you. They feel the same way you used to. They sit alone in the lunchroom. They feel afraid and unseen. They are riddled with anxiety. They can’t see Me but I'm also there with them. You notice them because I gave you eyes to see. I want you to show them Me. I want you to share your story. I gave you your color. I gave you a new life. I gave you something to believe. I was never gone, you just ignored Me, but now we work together in perfect harmony. Your faith partnered with Me. And I've given you new desires and dreams so that you can be the woman I created you to be. But it doesn't end with you. I gave you eyes to see and a voice to speak. You cannot raise your voice and not be heard. You are gifted in seeing the unseen. And I've called you to shine your light so that others may also see. Baby girl, my children are never not seen."
II. A Broken Baby
Night had fallen. You climbed the stairs of your cool loft bed, where we got it, I do not remember but it was the coolest bed a kid could ever have. You cuddled under your purple floral comforter and Mom kissed your head. Tucked in and ready to fall fast asleep but as she said goodnight and closed your door a darkness filled your head. This was normal for you. A pillowcase soaked in tears and memories that do not make sense. Remember the prayer book we used to have? Where is it now? I don’t remember the last time we opened it. Collecting dust behind Dr. Seuss and Little Critter perhaps? Maybe nestled under the tulle skirts and retired dance costumes in our dress-up bin. I wish Mom would have read us that book tonight. I wish she would have told you about Jesus. If she ever did, I do not remember. You stared up at the ceiling, tossed and turned. The only prayers I ever recall was when you wished you were never born. Did you know who you were talking to then? Or did your broken heart just talk to the air? “Why can’t I just be a normal kid?” you cried out in tears. Sometimes Mom would peek her head in to check if you were asleep. At the crack of the doorway, you just pretend. It hurts. Your little heart hurts and you don’t understand why, and you have such a long life ahead. You carry a secret way too large for a kid. Whispers at night tell you, “You’re a bad child". "Please can I start over again?” I hear your plea. My love, if you only knew that broken babies are held by God too.
III. Mirror Mirror On The Wall
Who is the ugliest of them all? Asleep you find peace but as the sun rises it suddenly flees. Mom wakes you up each morning with a gentle shake and whisper. Some days it’s a battle and that soft whisper turns more stern. Other days the ache in your heart leaves you restlessly awake. You lie in dread until she peeks in her head. Down you climb from your still awesome bed. You’re older now though and so is your room. Pop teen posters and training bra days, teenage hormones, and that awkward phase. I see the way you look at yourself each morning. You hate what you see. So you cake on the makeup and hope they believe. You rise extra early because the covering takes time. But you feel better this way so you really don’t mind. Check your hair in the mirror and that look of repulse. That side profile of yours is a sight you disgust. If only you knew what beauty you held, I see our old pictures and I cry for you now. You think it was a mistake, you don’t like how you’re made. The girls in the magazines don’t look the same. You nitpick what you can never change and dream of better days. Yet boys still stare so maybe something is there? Wishful thinking at best, and at worst, the fear that they're laughing in their head. I heard what he whispered in math class as if you couldn’t hear. A memory he’ll never remember still rings in your ear. It left you paralyzed, and I saw how hard you tried to hide the tears that welled up in your eyes. There seems to be no escape. The shell of you is “not right” and what lies beneath leaves you afraid so you silence your voice so you can easily slip away. My love, if you only knew the hand that held you. The greatest Artist you’ll ever meet. You love the sunsets and the ocean breeze. With skillful perfection, it’s the same hand that shaped you. He calls the sun to rise and the stars to shine! My darling, don’t you see? With great joy, He shaped your frame and every smile that you painfully fake.
IV. Broken Besties
You were inseparable, like two peas in a pod. You spoke of what your lives would be like together. You were going to be each other’s maid of honor, and both have kids that would be the best of friends. In it for the long run. You had matching heart necklaces, one half on each chain. Bracelets that said, “I Love You” and “Friends Forever”. But I saw how quickly things changed. The abuse wasn’t always there and when it was the reason wasn’t very clear. But I watched her hit you when no one was there. She thought you were asleep, yet you laid there aware. In disbelief, you submitted in fear. When her mission was successful, she turned like she was never there. You're so good at hiding that you never let her see but it was in that very moment that your heart was cut so deep. You wrestled from that point on, “How could this be?”, “Was there a hatred in her that she carried towards me?” But you loved so deeply that you couldn’t see. You made excuses for her and felt for her needs. Jokes at your expense and side-eye glances. She threw them like darts as you stood in the passes. It wasn’t the way it was supposed to be. It wasn’t the best friend you see in the movies. A sigh of defeat because each time you look up, your life takes another beating, and your heart can’t keep up. There was a darkness over you and a brokenness that no matter what you did would never mend. But I saw such courage the day you sought peace. You brought the darkness into light, the scars she let bleed. Yet your love for her increased your ache. A part of your heart is now shattered into pieces. I saw how you wrestled with the pros and the cons. Without her there was pain yet with her was the same. You felt broken and bruised and I saw the damage done. She took your voice and made you run. You hid in the back with nothing to say. I saw you pretend every day that you were okay. No one else knew the secrets you shared so friends were divided, and you took the blame. You were the bad guy that suddenly changed. You were never the same. Lonely and isolated with your head slung down. High school days were now a living hell.
V. Lonely Hallways
That pit in your stomach as the bus pulls in. It’s a dreaded moment that you continuously re-live. Day after day there's a weight that you carry—stack on the books, and the pressure for A’s—it’s all a little too much and it’s making you weary. The tears feel like they never end but at school, they are not your friend, so you push them so deep your stomach feels weak. You know the school tiles like the back of your hand because you wouldn’t dare look up to try to make a new friend. Everything's different now, you thought bringing the darkness into the light would set you free, but it only feels worse. Now lunchtime is a nightmare. “Where do I go?” Pretend to look busy in the library and fake a smile or hide in the bathroom when the library doors are locked. Just make it look like you are happy, don’t let them see. Headphones blaring sad tunes all day, I think you're getting used to the pain. To say it’s a comfort might be too extreme, but from where I look at you, it's sickly serene. To say you never laughed is not entirely true. I saw moments where your eyes lit up too. I just wish we remembered them more. I wish we soaked up the joy. My love, I know it seems so far away, but these short years are all but a page. A page in your story, the greatest you’ll ever tell. Good things take time, and one day you’ll see this was all in God’s plan to set you free.
VI. Ugly Duckling
You are loved so much more than you could ever know. You have the kind of parents some children can only dream of. I know dad wasn’t there and I know that caused pain. But Ryan always was and that will never change. He didn’t just choose Mom; he chose you too. And boy, does he love you! Never once were you anything other than his beautiful daughter. Having different blood never once mattered. Yet something inside you told you, "You’ll never fit in". You felt like such an outsider. You didn’t look like them. Your skin was dark, your hair black, and your facial features didn’t match. You are beautiful, don’t you know? But from the tears I see in your eyes, it’s clear you don’t think so. You see blonde hair, blue eyes, happy smiles, and a confidence you could never obtain. They’re cool and you never will be, you believed. They’re pretty, and you never saw yourself that way. They’re popular, you’re just a wallflower. They’re blood-related, and you hate to admit you feel like an adopted daughter. But you are every part of that family just as much as they are. But the voices in your head, could not have been louder, “You’re weird and different and you will never belong”. Remember that night with mom? You never wanted to go to family parties, and they didn’t understand why. It came off as hurtful. If only she knew. These lies in your head were damaging your view. You never meant to hurt, but he felt the sting. Mom said he cried. In your hurt, you became the source of another’s pain. Now what do you do? Your feelings are only hurting them too. Pain upon pain, it’s like it never ends. So you lie down and cry when no one’s awake. You can’t help but think, maybe you’re a mistake. My love, my heart aches at the weight that you carry. You take on their pain but you’re already weary and it’s too much for you. You don’t feel Him now, but there's Someone with you. His hand’s on your shoulder and tears well in His eyes. It hurts Him to see you this way. If only you knew, you’ve got another Father in heaven who deeply loves you. He’s waiting for you to see Him so he can give you clarity and truth in exchange for the pain you carry.
VII. Broken Noses
Do they think you don't know? Do they think you don't care? They point and they stare like you're unaware. But the biggest flaw on your face is front and center in the mirror. Clear as day, and it won't go away. No makeup can cover. You look and you stare, as tears start to smear the cake on your face to make it look better. You were never happy and the tears that you cried, I could have bottled them up and filled the whole sky. It's obvious you’re different and you don't understand why. But my love, it’s not the same on the other side. Beauty has changed from those days; I see people now and I recognize your face. You couldn't wait, and the day that it came, you took every penny you had and made it go away. But I saw the regret that no one knew. You wouldn't dare tell them it was true. One for another, “What have you done?” You thought you'd feel better, but it feels like the Enemy won. You made a mistake, and it can’t be undone. Now there’s a spotlight on your greatest flaw. You want to quickly retreat and pretend you’re okay. My dear, it was never the outside that needed to change. The dark cloud of lies made you think so. He’s not mad at you, love. I promise, I know. He showed me the truth and it’s okay that they know. This story has a purpose and one day you'll see the strong girl you were always meant to be.
VIII. First Love
You planned for forever, a perfect kind of dream. Yet there was something always missing it seemed. You never would have thought it would end so sadly, but I want you to remember for many years you were very glad. It was your first. It was young, it was innocent, it was adventurous, and real. You were broken though, and so was he. In your broken worlds, you both sought peace. Found in each other's arms was an escape from the pain. He made you laugh and wiped away your tears. You set him free and made him perceive what love was meant to be. His home life distorted that view. But something was still missing. I saw you ponder: Is there something more? This secret yearning often made your mind wander. You had other desires that he didn’t quite meet, greater hopes and dreams. A depth was in you that was screaming to be seen. But you were afraid because he became your home. Your only friend and your only safe place to go. What would be the point if you ever let go? You already made it so far. You wanted to believe your story could be your fairytale. I know how much you loved him. I know it was true. But there’s a big piece missing—a love for you. My dear, there's still one thing you don’t quite know; two broken people don’t make a heart whole. There’s a hole in your heart that only One can fill. You run from Him now but one day you’ll see what true love is meant to be. God doesn’t want you to be a damsel in distress; He wants you to be a queen, and He longs to give you a king greater than anything you have ever seen. You won’t believe all the things you will one day see! It’s a world so different, still quite foreign to me. But until then, you will both face many trials, and the pain will cut deep. There will be a day when you have little peace, and the weight of those days will make you both fall. I have tears in my eyes as I sit and recall. The worst kind of pain I've watched you endure, but I promise you now, it won’t be in vain!
IX. Shattered
You didn't know what else to do. For years you fought for you two. You cried and begged for change, and you sought every way to spark the flame. Yet still, nothing changed. You hoped, but sadly you never prayed. You were exhausted and every call to Mom was not only more frequent but more time in tears and pain. He was breaking you before you ever broke him. You did all you could do. It took losing you for it to sink in. But you had already drifted away. You believed it would be better this way. You packed your things, and you parted ways. But the reason was unclear. You didn't handle it well, and if we could start over, I know we would do things differently...but truth be told you two needed to end long ago. You were hanging on by a thread and your heart was always longing for something more. But eleven years in the books is hard to ignore. You were scared and you didn't know a way out. You didn't know how to end it any other way, so you took the easy way out. You became the villain and a victim on the same day. This story wasn't black and white, more like every shade of red. Hate, love, lust, and sex...the perfect equation to a fatal end. It wasn't worth it, and you didn't find yourself free. You were more lost than I'd ever seen. You fell right into the Devil's hands. It's going to get darker before you see the light in this storm. This momentary high is just the eye. The Enemy is using it as a disguise. You’re masking it as happy and free, but inside you really want to die. What you carried for years weighed you down. Now you’re about to drown. You're losing the breath in your lungs. But I need you to hold on a little longer. You’re stronger than you think. You can't see what's up ahead, but the sun's starting to peek through the clouds. There's a hand reaching down to pull you from the sea. There's still life inside of you that's crying to be seen.
X. Someone’s Wife
He said he moved on with someone new but as you moved back to the city his plans fell through. You slipped into your old ways, but it had all changed. You slept on the futon, and he took the bed. And instead of a closet, you lived out of suitcases and boxes because some days he hated you. It was a sad in-between. His heart was still torn yet he loved you. Because you feared the unknown, you went back down a broken road. Someone who once adored you now treated you like the flavor of the week. This wasn't the man you once knew. Yet you were convinced that he'd choose you. But his story was never straight, you saw through every lie. Did he forget how long he knew you? Back and forth he went with another man’s wife. It was the same tune—he wanted her to choose him, but her heart was in two. Other days he laughed with you. It was a soap opera no one wanted to be in, yet we all lacked the worth and wisdom to make it right. You laid down with your Bible each night and prayed for you two. He locked himself in his room with booze and a bad attitude aimed at you. It got so ugly, and it broke you down. What had become of you two? How could a love once so pure turn into a constant give and take? Honey, can't you see, this is not okay...love is not supposed to be this way. All he did was drink, never a drunk but he couldn't stand to be around you. You’re worth more than you know, and this is not what Jesus wants for you. You left for a reason, and this is not anywhere near better; it's far worse than you have ever seen. Yet you’re believing for better and hoping and praying for a testimony. But this is not how you get there. How can two walk together unless they agree? He's going to push you again until you break. Once again, you tried all you could do. You can't change him, that's for God to do. You both will have separate journeys. God loves him and wants it too. You don't make this one easy, God will have to pry it from you, but it's what a good Father must do. It gets messy and ugly, but there's beauty in the pain. I'm writing from the other side, so you know it's true. This is all but a chapter better off removed.
XI. Hallmark Hunk
The day he left you for the last time, a blast from your past entered the scene. You thought it was God's perfect timing, but things are not what they seem. God's idea of a perfect man is not what the world sees. Back in the day you never had the opportunity, now nothing stands in your way. The conversations are everything you dream of—deep and vulnerable, a trait you long for in a man. His romantic gestures are straight out of a movie. A picnic in the gardens seems like a dream...and that was just the beginning. Walks in the moonlight, fountains, and wishes. The perfect date night kisses. He swept you off your feet for a weekend getaway. You truly felt like stars on the big screen. Every date was like a new scene. But much like movies, there's always an ending. Your relationship with God is much stronger these days, and you will soon realize these date nights are not His ways. You prayed much these days and the conviction hit quick, you immediately felt sick. This was no longer right, and God made it clear. You had to stop going there. But you’re not good with confrontation so you prayed for God to take it away. I love this part because He made it so easy. You asked Him to do it because you didn’t know what to say, then one day he simply strayed. I'm proud of you! I can see how you are growing, and God sees it too. You’re less a part of this world and more spiritually tuned. I know you thought the bar had been set high, but my darling, you have no idea what you are about to see. I'm so excited as I'm typing this...if you thought that was great, just wait! Your mind can't even begin to comprehend what's coming your way!
XII. A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
It was obvious from the start, but you were blinded. His eyes shone bright, and it looked like something you always wanted. Your desire for a movie romance is no secret to the Enemy. He played this one cool in the beginning. But his true intentions came quickly. You walked the line with this one and almost played with fire. But God's got your back, and He pulled back the cloak before you got close. He quickly showed you his true colors, and this was no man for you. One date was all it took. You’re praying for discernment now. Girl, look at you go! God’s got all you need He just wants you to want it more than anything. Guard your heart and the angels step in. Those tricks of the Devil get exposed. You're getting frustrated though because these days everyone's a “no”. It's His protection though and it's good this way. God's about to step in and the very day you lay your eyes on him every other man will fade away.
XIII. Change
He said you'll never be happy. It'll always be this way. It's how it's always been, what makes you think it will change? What he couldn't see was that you were in pain. Something was lost deep inside you that you couldn't explain. Never fulfilled and always searching, but for what? Your heart felt like it was something you could never obtain. Is this all there is? You would often wonder. Maybe he was right, the problem was me. "I'll just never be happy". But that could not be further from the truth. You may not want to hear it now but he's part of what's got you stuck. He doesn't have the heart to believe in big dreams. He doesn't have the vision to see what you see. Something is stirring in your spirit. It's always been there but now it's too loud to ignore. You want something more because you were made that way. You want to break free. But doing so is going to require some growing. You can't live the same way anymore. Major things will have to change. You will feel like you’re losing everything but it's only because everything must go. You must move to get unstuck. It's required if you want to fly. This time in your cocoon is doing much more than you think. Hold on brave one, it won't be much longer. Now, it's all about to change.
XIV. Skin
You put on your outfit for the day and brushed back your hair. Lighter make-up because you’re feeling more comfortable in your skin these days. You were excited because you were going to your favorite place, the botanical gardens. You helped load the car and when you got there you were in awe. The day had been great so far. As lunch approached you guys headed for the cafeteria. But his insensitivity changed the day. He said you gained weight in front of everyone. When you said “No, not really” he confirmed it again. A rush of embarrassment came over you and you instantly wanted to cry. You were hungry but now you just felt sick inside. So you grabbed a salad instead. Not really there anymore you tried to hold back the tears in your eyes. As they went about their lunch you began to regret the shorts you picked out that day. You were only in town for a short period but after that moment you were ready for flight. His words rang in your ear the rest of the time. You no longer felt comfortable in your skin. How did you not notice? You began to question, but your jeans still fit the same. So, you began to look at your photos, and suddenly your eyes changed. He was right, "Look at my thighs." Let me stop you right there because we're not going that way. At this time in your life, you were happy. You just moved to the Sunshine State. He only saw you maybe once a year. His words have no power over you. You don’t have to buy two sizes bigger; now they’re just baggy.
Fast forward a few years, and your life is spiraling. You’re losing your will to live. You’re having trouble eating because the depression makes you sick. Just getting by is now where we are. The Sunshine State has lost its spark. Another trip because you need to get away. "You’re skinny now", "You look great," recalling the last time I was there when I gained weight. If they only knew you’d hardly eaten in months. But you’re good at pretending, so you politely, "Thank you". Maybe it's time to be more honest. Maybe it's just the culture—honest to a fault? Maybe we should just stop. Let's be honest, they don't know you. They don't know the hell you've been through…let’s just let that one go. But I think there's a message in these two stories: it's hard to see internal pain; it's easy to mask. And let's not forget the power of words, they breed both life and death. We should all be more aware. They taught you a lesson about what not to do. People are much more than the skin they wear. How you see yourself began to change when you asked God to show you what He saw, and started asking, "How can I love myself that way?"